Closure with your parents - written by Lorna Adams
You can get closure with your parents, even after they have passed on!
One of the most difficult and challenging life lessons can be our relationship with our parents. There have been so many times over the years and even now, that I see so many people struggling with this issue. The question is: How do I get closure, let this go, move on, ect. from this difficult relationship with my Mom or Dad or both now that they have died?
Many people seek me out to connect with their parents on the other side with the hope of putting this difficult or even toxic relationship to rest once and for all. I tell my clients that once a person passes to the other side they are not who they were when they were here on earth. That is, they are no longer in pain or angry. If they were abusive in this life that aspect too disappears. My spirit guides have told me many times that once you pass on from this earth you regain your hindsight - your 20/20 vision so to speak. We come to this life with a certain path to learn and teach specific lessons. Once on the other side we are able to see that path and how we have done.
There was a woman who came to see me who wanted to speak to her mother who had passed on years before. Her Mother came through loud and clear and was relaying how proud she was of her daughter. My client said "Well that can’t be her! My mother used to run around on my father, was a heavy drinker and so on." I explained to her that she was not the same as she was in life. Her mother went on to give further undeniable proof that it was her.
There is a part in each one of us that would like to believe that once the parents have passed all of the bad feelings and hurt will just disappear. Not the case I’m afraid. I’ve met a great deal of people that struggle with this tough core life issue. Most of us agree that we each choose our own parents before entering this life in order to learn the most we can from them. Sometimes I see that too many of us have perhaps expected too much or even too little from ourselves. By that I mean we are either not willing to rise to the occasion and speak up for oneself against a difficult or even toxic parent - while others just get stuck trying to please the parent or parents even though they have been abusive and cruel to their own child.
It is rather amazing when you think of it - the parent is gone, passed on and here we are on earth, still hearing those old tapes in our head. You’re no good, you’re an awful child, and you’ll never amount to anything. It is in this painful overwhelming place that so many people remain. Still trying to somehow please this parent. Agonizing over their loss, what feels like a failure and still desperate in trying to get that parent to love them and give them their approval.
It’s difficult but you have to realize a few things. You are choosing to stay in this place of hurt and pain. You are the only one that can set you free - you hold the key. It is rather like a dog chasing its own tail. We laugh and say well that’s pretty silly - it’s impossible for him to catch it! And the same goes for getting approval or love from a parent who is not and never was willing or even interested in giving us that love and approval we so desired as a small child. Many of us bring this baggage with us into our adulthood, still hoping and still hurting over and over. It truly is a losing battle.
Have you ever wondered WHY you put up with this awful behavior from your own parents? Could you ever imagine putting up with such behavior from a friend or co-worker! Not on your life you say, they have no right to treat me like I’m worthless or talk to me in that way. But we only have one set of parents while friends come and go. It is a well known fact that even if a child is abused physically by his or her parents they still want and desire their love and approval. As children they somehow feel responsible for the abuse, as if they deserved it. They would much rather believe this of themselves than think their own mom or dad does not love or care about them.
So now the question becomes, how much of this lifetime do you want to throw away on this issue? Have your parents been gone for many years but in your mind it feels as though they are alive and well still hurting you? Its time to let that go for we have so little time on this earth. Grieve, say goodbye once and for all and look around at your own life. You are not a child and have not been for some time. Use this time and enjoy this life you have been blessed with. Stop chasing the tail you can never catch. Be grateful for what you do have not what you can never change.